Fiance sending money to ex-wife; wedding budget busted?

I am engaged to a wonderful man, and we are planning a June 2009 wedding. We are paying for everything ourselves, and opened up a joint wedding expense account. The idea was that we both would contribute in roughly equal amounts every month. So far, I have been the only one contributing...





I order for me to contribute, I have cut my living expenses considerably by stopping to get my hair and nails done, no longer buying clothes, shoes, make-up or any other luxuries I can do without. I don't go to Starbucks (really tough for me!) or buy lunch (I brownbag it). I have stopped making long-distance phone calls (all my family lives overseas, and I miss talking to them). This allows me to contribute about $1,000/month towards our dream wedding.





I recently discovered that the reason why my fiance has not been able to put aside any money to the wedding account is that he is sending $2,800/month to his ex-wife to cover her mortgage. She has been unemployed for a year and cannot pay for it herself. When they divorced, she was making more money than he, so there is no alimony or other legal obligation on his part. He does this voluntarily, has no ownership in the house she occupies, and is not expecting to ever get the money back. I'm starting to get ticked off. With me paying for the entire wedding wedding, I have started to cut back on everything. I will wear a second-hand dress, have no flowers, no limo, catering will be finger foods instead of dinner, and there will be no bar or band. Each time I cross off an item, I curse at the lazy ex who cannot get a job, and is costing me the wedding I really wanted.





I think it is admirable that my fiance wants to help his ex even though he is not legally obligated. However, it really sucks on my end. Does anyone have a suggestion on how to discuss this without sounding like a total ***** who wants to control my fiance's money before we are married? Fiance sending money to ex-wife; wedding budget busted?
Oh... I dont think I could marry a man that puts his ex-wife's life before mine and **OURS**!! He needs to get his priorities straight before you get married. And in this situation, I think you have the right to sound like a bi*ch!!Fiance sending money to ex-wife; wedding budget busted?
I..I want to slap your fiancee across the face. Seriously. If his ex-wife is a higher priority than you then you seriously, SERIOUSLY have to reconsider the wedding.
well then I would stop contributing to the wedding expenses period. I would seriously put the wedding on hold until things are straightened out.





good luck. :)
You are such a mug.


He either still loves her or he is hiding something and there is more to it than he is telling you.
ASK HIM TO SIT DOWN AND MAKE A LIST OF HIS PRIORITIES-SEE WHERE YOU FALL INTO THAT PIC.
If there are kids I somewhat understand, if no kids, I would dump him now. His priorities are far off base.
Stop cursing the ex-wife, it's your fiance who is doing this. You must understand that he does have an obligation to his first family, and always will. Know what you are getting into. If you are so resentful now, what in the world is going to happen once you are married?


What's 'costing you the wedding you wanted' is that you are marrying a man with obligations. Simple as that.


Maybe time to just retool all of the plans, and have a lovely ceremony, with a small dinner for family.


Good luck to you!
Once you are married it is both your money. Would you have consented to sending half of your $$$ to his ex if this situation had occur ed after you were married. NO! She needs to sell her place if she can't then allow it to go into foreclose-sure, go bankrupt or whatever she has to do to make it right. She needs to deal with it not you guys. I wouldn't marry a man that didn't think it was important to talk with me about such a major financial expense when you are planning a wedding that the two of you were planning on paying for.
Well you are getting involved in a bazillion complications with an ex and support payments going to her. That's why alot of people don't have or want the ';dream'; wedding the second time around. It's no longer a dream - they've had their share of reality already. If this is your first marriage and his second then it is just not going to be like a first wedding or a first marriage. There's no mystery left for him. His ex is not costing you anything - the man you are marrying - now HIS choices are costing you and you ought to just elope and have the honeymoon of your dreams instead because really - he probably is not very concerned about the wedding day and you should keep with the frugal living so you can make a downpayment on a house instead of blowing it on one day of your life. You should have a conversation and just get his thoughts on the matter and talk about options other than a big wedding - say you don't think you're going to have enough $ and I know it's hard to get a man to talk sometimes - bu you're going to have to get to the heart of the matter rather than forcing him through with this. It probably has nothing to do with the money on his end and everything to do with heart issues. When children are involved, it's double hard. If he is a good man - he loves those kids and wants them to have the same standard of living he always provided before. Kids are a huge huge responsibility and if he is a loving responsible father - he just wants to make sure they are cared for because he loves them regardless of his relationship with their mother. There's not much you can do to stop or alter a daddy's love. Unless a person is completely cold hearted - divorce does not stop love for one's own flesh and blood - you'll never escape from having to accept those connections in his life. You won't be able to sever them.
well tell him in order to get the wedding you want since he isnt helping you both will have to wait till around the end of 09 or start of 2010! that will get him thinking hehe. but really he has to put half to his ex and half to your wedding atleast! tell him your giong without alot and although right now your semi ok with it in the future soon youll start resenting him! say its important to you this wedding as maby since he has been through it before he might not feel the same first time marrage excitment.you should make him cross the things off the list too so he feels guilt. you will not sound pushey or mean but you do have to stand up for yourself!
You write: he is sending $2,800/month to his ex-wife to cover her mortgage . . . . He does this voluntarily, has no ownership in the house she occupies, and is not expecting to ever get the money back. I'm starting to get ticked off.





Starting to get ticked off? You should be angry. Dump this guy. End the relationship and move on.





$2800 a month shows a huge attachment to ex. Repeat, a huge attachment to ex . . . not to you.





It is time for you to end it, and move on.
I'm sorry most of these other answerers are making me sick to my stomach. He is not in love with his ex-wife. He is doing this so his child still has a home. I'm sure she is using this to her advantage so she doesn't have to look for a job but HIS thinking is to keep a roof over his child's head. Don't leave him for this.


DO talk to him about it. Tell him that you expect this to stop when you get married because YOUR money is not hers. Also tell him you expect him to contribute as much as you do to your wedding and if he doesn't it's not happening (he'll smarten up FAST). You guys really need to discuss what your options are here. Maybe he needs to tell his ex to sell the house and find a smaller one she can afford. If he's paying for it he has a right to make this request or stop sending money. Either way she'll be out of that house soon. At least if she sells and buys a smaller place his child is still safe. Really you need to talk to him about it though.


Good luck huN!
Maybe you should rethink your marriage to a man that can't put your future first. Its not his job to pay her bills. If he can't see that then something is seriously wrong with him. Its sad that you are making sacrifices for him and he is unwilling to do so, and also not being honest about what he is doing. There is no easy way to address it. You just have to do it, be honest and say how you feel. Hear his side and depending on his answer you may have to consider letting him go.
His actions are NOT honourable. YOU are his partner and its absolutely abhorant that he would force you to sacrifice while his dead beat ex gets a check. Get out of this relationship now. If he's like this BEFORE you get married, he's going to leave you high and dry for the rest of your days.
Talking about major expenses and how you're going to deal with them as a couple isn't presumptuous at all at this stage; in fact, it probably should have preceded the engagement ring. However, it's not too late now. If you're not already getting premarital counseling, look for someone who specializes in financial issues. The fact that you can understand why he's doing this means there's probably a good chance you can find a reasonable compromise, but he has to be willing to do the same - and disclose anything else he might have been avoiding telling you. Good luck.
In MY experience... the only thing that would motivate a man who is, a) divorced from one woman, and b) engaged to another woman, to give THAT much money (if ANY) to an ex is that he's still involved with her. (sex is a powerful motivator)





Do they have children? If so, is he already paying child support? That's all his obligation should be. I don't find his actions admirable at all, I think he's being a weiner. You say he's a wonderful man... he's NO man, honey... NOT if this is how he's treating you!





How long ago did they get divorced? Even if it's real recent, if it's not court ordered and/or his name is NOT on the deed of the house, then she should be getting herself out of her own jams, PERIOD... she is not HIS resposibility anymore... his responsibilities lie with YOU and your future together, and NOT with his past.





How long have you two been together?? I'd be curious to know that as well. Maybe you are jumping into marriage too quickly. I'd rethink this whole thing if I were you...





Sorry, this is a bummer situation, to the max...











EDIT: Well, my answer still stands. If he made his financial obligation where the child is concerned, then that's all it should be. If she spent the money on a home that she can't afford, that's HER problem, not HIS. I personally would not put up with this *sshole.... dump him NOW. If she lives in a different state, then more than likely he's not having an affair, but he still wants his cake and to eat it too... he likes the idea that she's endebted to him. If he wants to be her savior, then let him... kick him to the curb.





Did he leave her, or did she leave him?? If she left him, maybe he still has feelings for her and thinks that she'll eventually say ';oh yes, you're so wonderful, how could I have been so foolish? come back to me, please!'; and then where will YOU be, dear?? Think about that one, please...











2ND EDIT: In response to Nikki's answer... if he is only doing it to make sure his child has a roof over his head, then yes, that is important. I agree. However, things can be done about that... if she can't afford to raise the child, he could get custody of him/her. I also agree that maybe talking to him about talking to his ex about selling the house and getting something she can afford would be a wise thing to do. Either way, his way of doing things is not right by you, his future. I understand wanting to make sure his kid is taken care of, but this is ridiculous!!! Talk to him and don't wait!!!
While he's at it why don't he send me $2,800 a month, that makes as much sense. If he doesn't have children living in that house it's time to cut her loose. What's he going to do send her $33,000 a year for the rest of his life.
$2800 a month -- what does she live in - a mansion?





back off, pull in your drawbridge. keep your legs and your wallet closed.





edited to add: I went and read your other posts. you say he is an art professor. how the hll does he make 2800 a month to send to his ex? you also told others about your job insecurity - potential job loss looming over your head. I think God is trying to tell you something.





a fancy wedding is a really bad idea right now. Marrying this guy is a really bad idea right now. you need a 6 month emergency fund instead.
Frankly, the fact that he hasn't TOLD you about this expense until now and hasn't been contributing should really be telling you that he isn't planning on actually getting married. I would close the account and move the money into an account IN YOUR NAME ONLY! If you don't, you are foolish.
I'm really not trying to sound rude - but you should have bigger concerns that having to wear a second-hand dress. He is sending his EX!! almost $3000 a month and you don't know how to discuss this with him. How about start off by saying to him ';are you out of your freakin' mind?';
You both need some serious counseling before you get married. I would tell him that there won't be a wedding until he matches the funds you have in the account and has cut ties with the ex. Until he does those things there will be too much baggage for your marriage to work out.